


Triple Score

by Apathy



Category: Dissidia: Final Fantasy
Genre: Board Games, Community: let_it_loose_df, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 02:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3191870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apathy/pseuds/Apathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lightning, Kain, and the Warrior of Light attempt to keep themselves entertained without resorting to sex or violence. It works out about as well as could be expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Triple Score

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2013 for the Dissidia kinkmeme, for the prompt:
> 
> _Kain, WoL and Lightning have a boring night in playng cards._
> 
> Ended up in board game territory instead, but hopefully close enough is good enough?
> 
> Both Dissidia and Scrabble remain the property of their respective owners, not profiting off this story, etc.

The playing cards burned prettily in the campfire, more entertaining in death than they had ever been in life.  
  
Patrol that day had been tedious; Laguna’s cooking upon return, execrable; comrades, way too numerous and irritating to allow for a little loud fucking between friends to blow off some steam. Lightning had fallen upon the deck of cards like a starving man upon a ten-course meal, not bothering to think too closely upon how such an item had magically appeared after months in this shitty world.  
  
It hadn’t taken long for reality to come crashing in, though. The Warrior’s legendary blankness translated to an absolutely unreadable poker face, which Lightning _may_ have been able to respect, had he not asked some variation upon ‘I have five of the heart shapes -- is that good?’ _every fucking time_ she dealt. And every time she had to assure him that yes, it was a good thing, and no, Cosmos wouldn’t mind if they spent some time playing cards, given that he spent half his time getting fucked up the ass and she hadn’t struck him down yet, now _shut the fuck up_. His luck was uncanny; she was pretty sure he was getting some divine intervention, for all the good it was doing him.  
  
Between that and Kain’s constant demand that they should be using the standard Baron set of cards with King Cecil, Queen Rosa, and the Dragoon -- _well, pardon me, I’ll just hop over to Baron and buy some, and maybe I’ll stop and have a chat with Queen Rosa about what the Dragoon has been doing with his lance_ \-- the cards had been flung into the fire before she’d finished dealing the fourth hand, accompanied by a primal scream of frustration that was all too familiar to her since she’d hooked up with these two over-sexed idiots.  
  
Ashes fluttered; half-burned cards skipped on the breeze. Lightning dragged a hand down her face and dug her nails in a little, fully aware of at least five pairs of eyes on her.  
  
‘Not one word. Just... don’t.’  
  
Intent on storming off to -- just, _anywhere_ that wasn’t here -- Lightning promptly tripped over the box that had materialised at her feet. Scowling, she regained her footing as gracefully as possible and bent down to pick the box up.  
  
 _Scrabble_ , the faded title on the box read.  
  
Okay, Cosmos _definitely_ had to have a hand in this -- there was no way possible that anyone could have kept _this_ hidden so long.  
  
Despite everything, a smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. _Maybe she’s as bored as we are._  
  
‘What have you there, Lightning?’ Kain’s tone was studied indifference, but she could hear the curiosity underneath.  
  
‘Another game, looks like.’ She studied the box lid from arm’s length, squinting and tilting her head. A disgustingly happy group of children and adults adorned the lid, arranging letters on a board. It seemed safe enough.  
  
 _Famous last words._

Coming to a decision, she sat herself back down by the fire and dumped the contents of the box in the dirt. Small, square tiles scattered everywhere.  
  
Laguna was at her side in a bound, flipping out the board and setting up the little plastic racks that had been in the box. ‘Oh, boy! Scrabble! I love Scrabble!’  
  
Lightning glanced at him, curious. ‘You know this game?’  
  
‘Oh, yeah. You each get seven letters, see, and then you have to each make words on the board, like this.’ Laguna quickly spelled out the word “GUNS”, laying out the lettered tiles on the board’s squares. ‘And then the next person has to make a word that joins to it, like this.’ Picking out more tiles, he spelled out the word “AWESOME”, crossing over “GUNS” at the letter “S”. ‘Blank tiles can be any letter you like. And then -- you see how there’s numbers on the tiles, and these squares on the board that talk about triple words and stuff? That’s how you score the game -- ’  
  
‘Right, right, got it.’ Too easy.  
  
Laguna blinked. ‘But you have to know how to score, otherwise -- ’  
  
‘I _said_ I got it.’ What could be so difficult?  
  
‘O... kay.’ He brightened. ‘I can show you as we go along! It’ll be fun....’  
  
Laguna trailed off, expression falling ever so slightly as his eyes slid over to where the Warrior was staring intently at a tile as if inspecting some rare and bewildering artefact, while Kain was arranging letters to spell out “CECIL HIGHWIND”.  
  
Laguna glanced back uncertainly; Lightning followed his gaze to see Bartz shaking his head and waving his arms and mouthing “NO” repeatedly, although this quickly became an interpretive dance for Firion’s benefit once he became aware of Lightning’s pointed stare.  
  
Laguna rose quickly from his crouch and stretched, cracking his back. ‘Actually, heh, I just remembered that I left some of my peach-tomato stew on the fire, and I know you’d all be devastated if I accidentally burned it, so I’d better leave you kids to it.’ Firing off a jaunty salute, he beat a hasty retreat to the other side of the fire.  
  
Firion’s voice drifted back. ‘I’m sorry, Bartz; I do not understand the dances of your people.’  
  
Lightning turned her attention back to the situation in front of her, allowing an inner snort as Kain quickly pushed his tiles back into the main pile. ‘Alright, you heard the man. Seven tiles each.’ She dealt them out around the circle, throwing them face-down in front of each player in turn.  
  
The Warrior was still absorbed with the letter “X”, staring at it as if it contained the secrets to the universe. An uneasy thought occurred to her, and she waved her hand in front of his face until he looked up. ‘Do you know how to read?’  
  
The answer, really, was astoundingly obvious; she wasn’t sure why she’d even bothered to ask. ‘I don’t remember.’  
  
‘Right.’ She lined up her letters on the little shelf.  
  
 _H Q E Z R V K_  
  
‘What the hell? I can’t do shit with this.’ Lightning chucked a couple of letters back into the pile and grabbed some more.  
  
 _H G E A R V K_  
  
She grunted. ‘Better, I guess.’ She was tempted to change out some more, but figured that at some point it would probably qualify as cheating, and then Kain would never let her hear the end of it.  
  
She looked up. The Warrior was blank as ever, and Kain was wearing his “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I will take it hard and rough from Golbez rather than admit it” sneer. Time to take charge.  
  
‘Okay.’ Lightning nodded towards the Warrior, whose tiles were still face-down on the ground. ‘You first.’ She peered at the board. ‘Start from the middle, I guess. Can you make a word?’

The Warrior turned over his tiles, and arranged six of them in the middle of the board. Lightning peered at them, and tried very hard to restrain a sigh.  
  
‘ _Cosmos_.’ The Warrior glanced back and forth between Lightning and Kain, expression as close to quizzical as it ever came. ‘Did I perform the task correctly?’  
  
Lightning exhaled through her teeth. ‘Yes. Yes, you performed the task correctly.’  
  
The Warrior nodded in satisfaction. ‘If Cosmos has seen fit to set us this mission, then I will strive to bring her honour.’  
  
 _I think she’s already made sure of that._ Really, it was unseemly of a goddess to play favourites so blatantly. If only she could be a little more interventionist when their lives were actually on the line. ‘Kain. Your go.’  
  
‘Hmph.’ Kain crossed his word over at the first “O”, precise and fastidious in his placement. ‘ _Dragon_.’  
  
‘Oh, for -- ’ Lightning gritted her teeth, and examined her tiles intently before flipping a few of them onto the board. ‘ _Hard_.’  
  
Kain flickered a heated glance her way from beneath his stupid dragon helm. Heh. At least _someone_ here wasn’t completely dense, although it was a close call.  
  
The Warrior nodded gravely. ‘This task _is_ hard. Cosmos give us strength.’  
  
Lightning decided to just let it go. ‘It’s your turn.’  
  
He looked down at his single tile. ‘I don’t think I can do anything with this.’ His head tilted in consternation. ‘Have I failed?’  
  
‘What -- ’ She examined the board, the pile of tiles. ‘I think you just take as many as you played. So you’d take six, and then play them.’  
  
The Warrior picked up six new letters, putting two down on the ground before him; a glow seemed to emanate from his hands, encompassing the remaining tiles.  
  
‘ _Light_.’ He joined it up to “HARD”, laying the letters down reverently.  
  
Lightning rolled her eyes. ‘You sure know how to kill a ladyboner.’  
  
Confusion paraded across the Warrior’s face. ‘I know how to kill many a vile monster, but I do not believe I have encountered this... “ladyboner” of yours. Is it dangerous?’  
  
Lightning’s smile was razor-edged. ‘Only when it doesn’t get what it wants.’  
  
Kain huffed, and picked up some more letters. His face twisted.  
  
‘I cannot make a word,’ he said sourly.  
  
Lightning shrugged. ‘My turn, I guess.’ She picked up some replacement tiles, then pulled out a couple of letters and put them down either side of “DRAGON”. She relaxed into her first genuine smile of the evening. ‘ _Vag_.’  
  
‘Disgusting.’ Kain’s look could have shrivelled grapes on the vine. ‘At least show it the respect it deserves.’ He laid down the letters “INA” on the end of the word.  
  
‘Because that’s what you always do. What was it you called it the other day, when we were in that cave? Ah, yes -- ’  
  
‘Enough of your foulness, woman.’  
  
Lightning threw a couple more tiles beneath the “A”. ‘ _Ass_. Oh, and _sex_.’ She felt better already.  
  
She grabbed some more tiles, and made her way down to the second “O” of “COSMOS”. ‘ _Orgy_.’  
  
The Warrior gasped, his hand reaching for his sword. ‘To sully Cosmos’s name -- I will not stand for it -- ’  
  
 _You’ve been quite happy to sully her name in far worse situations_ , she didn’t say, even as she brought up her arm to protect her face if necessary. She wondered just what she could say to calm him down – preferably without having to remove her words from the board, because she really was proud of them -- but luckily for her, Kain already had a hand on his shoulder and was murmuring reassuring words in his ear.  
  
‘I’m sure she didn’t intend offence. She is just attempting to get the highest score. You know how crude she can be.’ Kain met her eyes for a moment, the mild amusement in his expression hardened by an edge of competitiveness. ‘Although I did notice that she took several turns in a row.’  
  
‘You snooze, you lose, asshole.’ She counted up the words she’d made, tallying the numbers in the dirt beside her. ‘Five. Ha!’  
  
She saw Kain’s hand tighten on the Warrior’s shoulder, before he relaxed and forced a smile onto his face. ‘I do believe it is his turn.’  
  
The Warrior placed some letters up the top of the board, joining with “LIGHT”. ‘ _Feral_.’  
  
 _Well, it’s a start._ ‘Your turn, Highwind.’

Kain’s demeanour turned decidedly sombre as he built off “FERAL”, his head and his voice both lowering. ‘ _Ordeal_.’  
  
 _Oh, you have to be shitting me._ Kain thought he was all deep and mysterious, but his issues always shone through as clear as day at the slightest provocation. Lightning decided not to inform him that he’d gone off the edge of the board; it would be funny, but not worth the extended sulk.  
  
The Warrior seemed to be distracted by the fire, and Lightning had no words she could make. ‘You might as well go again; I’m all out.’  
  
Kain went back to “COSMOS”, double-checking to make sure the Warrior was still distracted. ‘ _Cock_.’  
  
Lightning snorted. ‘Such filth, Kain Highwind. I’m astounded.’  
  
Kain met her amusement with a level gaze. ‘Do you not have chickens in your world, Lightning?’  
  
‘Oh, is _that_ what we’re talking about?’  
  
‘I can describe one for you, if you like.’  
  
‘Oh, go ahead.’ She raised her voice a little. ‘I’m sure Bartz would love to hear all about it.’  
  
A muffled yelp came from the low-hanging branch overhead, followed swiftly by the sound of someone shimmying down the trunk and running far away.  
  
Kain laughed quietly -- honest-to-fuck _laughed_ \-- and tapped the Warrior on the shoulder. ‘Your turn.’  
  
The Warrior looked at the board, then at his letters, then back at the board. His brow furrowed.  
  
Kain leaned closer, concerned. ‘What is the problem, my friend?’  
  
‘I… I can only make one word with my letters. But I don’t know if I should.’  
  
Lightning tried to make out what letters he had, but couldn't quite see. ‘Cosmos wants you to play to win. You can’t let her down.’  
  
The Warrior clenched his jaw resolutely. ‘I -- you’re right.’ Taking a deep breath, he squeezed his eyes almost shut and practically threw his letters at the board, jerking his hand back as if burnt. ‘Cosmos forgive me my impropriety. I did it for your glory.’  
  
Lightning leaned forward, scanning the board, and let out a bark of laughter when she saw it. Attached to the end of “COCK” were a “D”, an “I”, and a blank.  
  
Her face was starting to hurt from laughter, and the miserable look on the Warrior’s face just made it worse. _He couldn’t even spell out the word fully; he had to use a blank. Probably would’ve forfeited the whole game if that hadn’t been an option._  
  
She was starting to feel a little sorry for him, so she dug through the pile and pulled out a few choice letters. ‘Here. Since I took so many turns before, you go again now.’  
  
The Warrior brightened -- literally. ‘ _Shine!_ ’  
  
She flinched out of habit, but the only thing that came flying forth from his hands was more Scrabble tiles.  
  
‘Cosmos, I pray I have redeemed myself in your eyes.’  
  
Lightning almost felt bad for hijacking his “S”. ‘ _Tits_.’ She made another notch in her score. How many words had she made now? She put a few more marks down, just in case.  
  
Kain laid his pieces out with a broody flourish. ‘ _Redemption_.’  
  
‘You -- come on! There’s no way you could've had that many letters.’  
  
Kain stared at her pointedly. ‘And there’s no way you could have had that many turns.’  
  
‘Fuck you, Highwind.’ She subsumed his “T” into “BUTT” out of spite. ‘How can you redeem yourself re: whatever the fuck you did, if you can’t even keep from cheating at Scrabble?’  
  
‘Redemption takes many forms,’ he said stiffly.  
  
‘Oh, please.’

The Warrior carefully placed an “O” on the board. ‘ _No_.’  
  
Lightning laughed -- a little cruelly, she realised, but it was too late to stop it. ‘Now, _there’s_ a word I’ve never heard you say.’  
  
Thankfully, the gibe sailed right over his head. ‘I say it to Garland quite often.’  
  
‘Oh, I bet you do.’  
  
‘He prefers it when I say it a lot. Especially if I say “please” and “don’t” as well. I’m not sure why -- he knows that I have chosen to meet with him of my own accord.’  
  
A shriek of laughter echoed from across the other side of the campfire, quickly smothered; Firion’s plaintive ‘but that’s horrible!’ was met with muffled, nervous giggles.  
  
Lightning slapped down some letters on the first “T” of “TITS”, glaring at Kain all the while. ‘ _Tit_.’ Repetitive and petty, but worth it for the look on his face.  
  
Kain’s retribution was swift and devastating. ‘ _At_.’  
  
The Warrior returned to the top of the board, and “ORDEAL”; perhaps the current situation was inspiring him to seek out that word. ‘ _Lube_.’  
  
 _That_ got their attention; at their twin incredulous stares, the Warrior looked confused. ‘It is important,’ he said simply.  
  
Lightning couldn’t disagree with that.  
  
Kain coughed. ‘Indeed.’  
  
While he was distracted, Lightning slammed down her final gambit, her _pièce de r ésistance_ \--  
  
‘ _Uoouu_.’  
  
Kain’s expression was downright _withering_. ‘That is not a word, Lightning.’  
  
She drew herself up to her full seated height, meagre though it was. ‘Oh, yeah? Because that’s exactly what I heard you screaming last night when you made him fuck you in the -- ’  
  
‘ _Accursed game!_ ’ Tiles scattered and cardboard burned as Kain flung the board into the fire, chest heaving with rage. ‘Dragons take thee, vile fiend!’  
  
All was silent, except the crackling of flames and the sound of Kain’s slowing breaths. The Warrior looked around in confusion. ‘Did we finish the game, then? Who won, for the glory of Cosmos?’  
  
Lightning didn’t dare answer. _Oh, Kain is_ pissed _. But that’s okay, because so am I. Even though I have no actual idea why._  
  
They may have stayed in that tableau forever, if not for the approaching figure of Laguna. In one hand he held something round; in the other, lots of somethings pointy.  
  
‘Hey guys, would you believe what I just found? Darts!’


End file.
